What the actual fuck was I thinking?: A Bridge Too Far, But What If MAGA Had a Point? Well No!
Do not read this if you have mental issues. You go around the circle to sanity, and on the other end of the circle, close to insanity, but not insanity, is unsanity.
So, I had this really strong sense of togetherness this morning. Like, "unity" was practically radiating from my aura. I thought, "Hey, maybe we should really listen to what the MAGA folks are saying. Maybe, just maybe, we can bridge the divide and meet somewhere in the middle."
Then, I chugged my lukewarm coffee, remembered… well, everything, and muttered,
"Fucking no. What the actual fuck was I thinking? I am Sorry."
But then, a flicker of something truly magnificent ignited. What if
The Flat Earth Department of Contradictions: Where Physics Goes to Die
Apparently, we're all just chilling on a flat disc, surrounded by a really, really tall ice wall. Space? A hoax. The sun and moon? Just little localized spotlights bopping around in something called "the firmament"—a giant, sparkling dome above our heads. And that world map you learned in school? A government psy-op. The compass points north because there's either a giant, dark cube or a magnetic mountain chilling at the North Pole. Flawless logic, clearly.
But wait, there's more! Beyond the ice wall, a secret buffet of countless other continents awaits, teeming with "the elite" and biblical fallen ones. That Antarctic Treaty isn't for science, you gullible sheep! It's to hide the wall! Admiral Byrd, bless his adventurous heart, apparently stumbled upon advanced civilizations with flying saucers and free energy. There's even an entire underground city with its own artificial sun. Because, naturally.
Creativity Grade: A+ for World-Building! (Though the topography is a bit… flat.)
The Leviathan Egg Situation: Because Everything Is a Sea Monster
Someone found a million eggs on an underwater volcano, and what's the first, most rational conclusion? "Leviathan eggs!" Obviously. Forget those boring scientists mumbling about Pacific white skate eggs. When researchers are awestruck by a "really special place on top of a really special place," they clearly just missed the giant, biblical sea monster connection. Amateur hour, indeed.
Creativity Grade: A for Interpretive Dance! (And aquatic biology, apparently.)
The Smithsonian's Secret Navy SEAL Archaeologists: Guardians of Hidden History (and Bad OpSec)
Here's where it gets really good. The Smithsonian, bless their scholarly hearts, secretly employs tactical CIA Navy SEAL archaeologists. Their mission, should they choose to accept it (and they always do, for minimum wage and excellent dental), is to hide giant skeletons and ancient artifacts. They've got an alien spaceship stashed under the Hoover Dam (which, by the way, was built as a giant signal-blocking dome, naturally). And somewhere, there's a secret Egyptian city in a cave, complete with mummies and hieroglyphs.
The best part? They have secret warehouses brimming with history-altering artifacts, and somehow, nobody ever whistleblows. Because a massive conspiracy involving thousands of people with absolutely zero leaks is totally, utterly realistic. It’s practically a documentary.
Creativity Grade: A++ for Unrealistic Operational Security! (And extreme multi-tasking.)
NASA's Balloon Satellite Program: Because Space Is Hard, Balloons Are Not
NASA? Lies, all lies, obviously. No one has ever left Earth because of that pesky firmament dome. Stars are just decorative lights glued to the ceiling, and satellites? Actually just balloons. Elon Musk knows this, but he keeps building rockets that conveniently crash into the dome anyway. For… reasons. Probably to keep up appearances.
Every space photo is fake and Photoshopped, which is, amusingly, partially true – space images are often composed from radio wave data and enhanced for visibility. But instead of understanding how radio telescopes work, it's clearly a massive cover-up by the Illuminati and their team of highly paid Photoshop artists.
Creativity Grade: A for Ingenious Use of Helium! (And a surprisingly high budget for fake space.)
The Hollow Moon Conspiracy: It Rings, Therefore It's Empty (and Local)
The moon is artificial, perhaps a cosmic bowling ball accidentally crashed into Earth, or maybe it was delicately placed by aliens. It's either completely hollow (which is why it "rings" when hit, like a giant celestial bell) or contains secret bases. But remember, it's not actually in space – it's local, right inside our dome. Because that makes perfect, lunar sense.
Creativity Grade: A for Acoustical Engineering! (And proximity.)
The Lost Empire of Tartaria: Mud Floods and Buried Skyscrapers
There was once a glorious civilization called Tartaria, brimming with free energy technology harvested from atmospheric electricity using fancy building antennas. They were tragically wiped out by mysterious "mud floods," but fear not! You can still see the tops of their buried skyscrapers. This empire spanned most of Asia and America, but naturally, the Smithsonian's tactical team swooped in to cover it up.
The 1893 Chicago World's Fair? A cover-up for displaying Tartarian technology, complete with incubator babies (obviously clones). They kept a few buildings, but destroyed the rest to hide the evidence. Because hosting a massive world's fair is the perfect disguise for showcasing forbidden, world-altering technology. Top-tier espionage, truly.
Creativity Grade: A+ for Post-Apocalyptic Urban Planning! (And historical revisionism.)
The Free Energy Cover-Up: Water Pipes Are Science Fiction, Oil Pipes Are Magic
Free energy was suppressed, obviously, so oil companies could keep raking in the dough. Despite technology leaping forward, gas prices keep climbing because… reasons. The idea that we could just build pipelines from oil wells to gas stations is apparently too revolutionary.
And water pipes to homes? IMPOSSIBLE! Only oil and gas can travel through pipes. Water delivery? Pure science fiction, my friends. Everyone knows water can't flow through pipes—that's just crazy talk. Clearly, the water companies are in on the conspiracy.
Creativity Grade: A- for Hydrodynamic Incompetence! (And a profound misunderstanding of basic infrastructure.)
The Religious Contradiction Olympics: Where Logic Takes a Nap
Here's where the cognitive dissonance truly sparkles. God gave humans dominion over Earth, so environmental destruction is totally fine because Jesus is coming back in two weeks. No, wait, three weeks. Okay, it's been postponed, but definitely soon. Any day now.
The same people who decry vaccines as "the devil's cocktail" consider prayer a legitimate medical treatment. Doctors are suspicious, but faith healers who promise miracles for a small donation are the real deal. The sanctity of life is paramount, except when it comes to immigrant children—then it's "God's will" if they suffer. Because some God-given dominion is apparently more dominion than others.
Creativity Grade: A+ for Moral Gymnastics! (And a very flexible timeline for the apocalypse.)
The Persecution Complex: Demons, Pastors, and the Bible's Self-Validation
Christianity, with its 2.7 billion followers worldwide, is apparently on the very brink of extinction due to relentless persecution. The real war is spiritual – demons specifically target believers, which conveniently explains why pastors keep getting caught with male prostitutes and drugs. It's clearly demonic trickery, not, you know, personal choices.
Meanwhile, science exists solely to disprove the Bible. Mathematics, logic, and peer review are just atheist conspiracies designed to undermine faith. The Bible is true because the Bible says it's true. Checkmate, atheists! (Dusts hands triumphantly).
Creativity Grade: A+ for Paranormal Defense! (And the self-referential bibliography.)
The Alien Situation Gets Complicated: Future Humans, Fallen Angels, and Bad Pilots
Now things get truly bonkers. Aliens are actually emerging from underwater portals that magically connect to space through the firmament. But plot twist! These aliens are actually humans from the future, time-traveling back to our era! They possess superior technology that makes them almost invisible, which perfectly explains why they're so hard to photograph. Yet, despite their advanced tech, they're shockingly terrible pilots, and we keep shooting them down and recovering their craft. Logic!
But wait, there's another layer: these same aliens are also fallen angels and demons from other dimensions, here specifically to test evangelical faith. Because apparently, once you reach peak Christianity, new levels of restrictions unlock that might disqualify you from being a "real" Christian. It's like a spiritual video game with increasingly impossible achievements.
And those crater impacts we see? Not meteors, you fool! They're landing spots for the 40 fallen giants who are taking human wives and creating god-king bloodlines that secretly control everything. They're operating right under God's nose while maintaining complete secrecy. Impressive multitasking, truly.
Creativity Grade: A+++ for Interspecies, Interdimensional, Intertemporal Shenanigans! (And catastrophic pilot training.)
The Terrifying One-World Utopia Conspiracy: Handouts are Hell!
Here comes the most horrifying plot of all: these secret rulers (the Illuminati, the fallen giants, the future-aliens, take your pick) want to create a one-world government that would (checks notes) stop all wars, provide everyone with food, clean water, and healthcare. The absolute monsters!
This nightmare scenario of basic human needs being met is obviously a plot to erase Christianity. Because nothing says "anti-Christian" like feeding the hungry and caring for the sick. They even want to give everyone a "mark" without which you can't buy or sell—probably something truly radical like universal basic income or healthcare cards. The horror!
Creativity Grade: A+ for Dystopian Philanthropy! (And a rather selective reading of sacred texts.)
The Socialist Horror of Helping People: Jesus, Is That You?
Giving people handouts like food and healthcare is clearly harmful. The bare minimum to survive? That's just communism! Free market capitalism dictates that if you lose, it's entirely your own fault. Why would anyone help the poor and needy, offer a helping hand, take in strangers, and treat them as equals?
What kind of socialist nonsense is that? Who in God's name would do something so radical as… (flips frantically through Bible) …wait, this sounds vaguely familiar. Almost like someone important once said something about loving your neighbor and caring for the least of these. But that couldn't be right—that would be socialism! And we can't have that.
Creativity Grade: A+ for Theological Inconsistencies! (And a profound commitment to self-sabotage.)
Family Movie Night: Blu-ray 8K Director's Cut with Extra Suffering!
"Okay kids, let's watch The Passion of the Christ again – it's the Blu-ray 8K Director's Cut with extra bloody material and bonus suffering! Because nothing says 'family values' like extreme graphic violence, as long as it's religiously themed!" Pass the popcorn, little ones.
Creativity Grade: A for Marketing! (And a distinct lack of child psychological understanding.)
The Gematria Calculator Rabbit Hole: Universal Truths and Big Butts
And then there's gematria – some magical mathematical Bible thing where you input words or names, and they miraculously transform into numbers revealing universal truths. Because apparently, the fabric of reality is held together by numerical word values, not that fake atheist conspiracy called quantum physics.
So naturally, someone decides to test this divine mathematics system by bravely entering "I like big butt" into a gematria calculator. Because if you're a true believer with real faith, the truth will set you free – even uncomfortable truths about posterior preferences.
The results? Pure mathematical gospel! Apparently, "I like big butt" connects to profound revelations like:
Jimmy Iovine and some microscopic worm species
Mark King going to hell for fake prophecies
Joe Biden's eye color mysteries
Queen Elizabeth II's alleged cannibalistic activities
Russian video game defacements
Various crowns, thrones, and bride situations
The best part? Everything eventually leads back to the number 2874, because clearly the universe operates on a very specific numerical frequency that somehow encompasses both theological mysteries and anatomical preferences.
But wait—someone saw a woman picking herbs in the forest, which obviously means she's cooking human meat for Satan. Better burn her just to be safe! Because nothing says "following Christ's teachings" like executing people based on plant-gathering activities. The logic is flawless: gematria calculator + random word combinations + numerical patterns = divine revelation. Meanwhile, that woman collecting medicinal plants is definitely a witch. The math checks out!
Creativity Grade: A++++ for Numerical Serendipity! (And an impressive commitment to burning.)
The Vatican's Vampire Time Machine Collection: Spooked by Jesus?
But wait, there's more! The Vatican is actually run by vampires who have all of human history locked away in their subterranean lair. They supposedly possess a machine that can see back in time, which they used to watch Jesus's crucifixion. This sight scared them so profoundly that they immediately hid the device deep underground in a dark room with all their other secret stuff.
Think about that logic: immortal vampires who are supposedly opposed to Christianity… used time travel technology to watch the foundational event of Christianity… and then got so scared they hid the evidence. Because nothing says "evil vampire conspiracy" like being completely spooked by the very religion you're allegedly trying to destroy.
Creativity Grade: A for Inexplicable Motivation! (And a very high-tech, yet surprisingly easily startled, coven.)
The World's Worst Secret Society: The Illuminati's Disclosure Policy
Speaking of secrets, let's talk about the Illuminati – this supposedly super-secret order ruling the world in darkness. Except everyone knows about them and has heard of them, which makes them about as secret as McDonald's.
"Hey, have you heard of the Illuminati? They're super secret, you know."
"Oh, really? Tell me more!"
But here's the cosmic rule, apparently: they have to tell us what they're going to do beforehand. Which… does what exactly? It's like the universe runs on some kind of evil disclosure policy. "Sorry, cosmic law says we have to announce our evil plans in advance. Check the fine print in reality's terms of service."
The idea that a group with this level of strategy and planning could operate for generations across multiple bloodlines without anyone losing it and starting to brag ("My dad runs the world, nah nah nah!") has about the same odds as winning the Powerball, Mega Millions, and every other lottery in the same year.
Maybe they're not human? Perhaps they're half-god, half-men crossbred with Anunnaki, with special DNA and Rh-negative blood types. Throw in some Neanderthal and Denisovan for good measure! Because clearly, the only explanation for organizational competence is alien genetics.
Creativity Grade: A++ for Epically Bad Secrecy! (And a very creative genetic lineage.)
The Blood Obsession Awkwardness: Church as a Horror Film
And somehow, it all ties back to Jesus and his alleged obsession with blood. Picture this church experience:
Church Choir: "Are You Washed in the Blood? Christian Hymn!" Normal Person: "Sorry, I'm going to try another church. This was… nice. Thank you." Enthusiastic Church Member: "Please join us here each week and sing along as we praise God together! 'Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins!'" Normal Person: "Well, this was… mm… good. Yes. No, I am going away, so I will not come back soon. Maybe in the future. Just… no."
Nothing says "welcoming spiritual community" quite like an obsession with blood sacrifice and gore. Truly inspiring.
Creativity Grade: A for Unintentional Horror! (And a very specific approach to spiritual cleansing.)
The Russian Time Travel Aluminum Situation: Childhood Chat, National Threat
Meanwhile, in Russia, they supposedly created some kind of device made from bent aluminum sheets that lets you see yourself as a kid and even interact with your past self. This was probably confiscated by the Kremlin for national security reasons, because clearly the biggest threat to state security is people having awkward conversations with their childhood selves. "So, little me, about that questionable haircut in 1998…"
Creativity Grade: A for Lo-Fi Temporal Mechanics! (And highly questionable national security priorities.)
The Hollow Earth Ice Wall Contradiction: A Geographical Identity Crisis
And yes, Earth is hollow with an artificial sun inside (Agartha), which is apparently great according to some people. There's supposedly an opening in Antarctica, but wait – what about that ice wall from the flat Earth theory?
So we're simultaneously living on a flat disc surrounded by ice walls AND on a hollow sphere with openings at the poles. The cognitive dissonance is strong with this one. It's like Schrödinger's Earth: both flat and hollow until observed.
Never mind the contradictions – when you're operating on this level of logic, consistency is just another government conspiracy designed to limit your imagination.
Creativity Grade: A+++ for Multi-Dimensional Geography! (And a beautiful embrace of paradox.)
The Point of This Madness: An A in Creativity for All!
This glorious collection represents the beautiful absurdity of internet discourse, where people can hold completely contradictory beliefs simultaneously with unwavering conviction. It's a world where secret organizations are simultaneously all-powerful and completely incompetent, where basic physics is a lie but ancient texts are literal truth, and where the most complex conspiracies somehow leave glaring evidence lying around for YouTube researchers to "discover."
This satirical piece is a work of fiction intended to highlight the absurdity of conspiracy thinking and online discourse. No actual belief systems, scientific facts, or religious faiths were harmed (or taken seriously) in the making of this satire. Please do not attempt to find Leviathan eggs or burn herb-picking women. Or, you know, believe that the moon is a local, hollow bowling ball.
appendix:
The Vertigo of Certainty – Or, What Robert Anton Wilson Knew All Along (and We Forgot)
Okay, so I’ve let you revel in the magnificent, absurd creativity of the internet’s deepest rabbit holes. We've celebrated the sheer imaginative genius on display, the impressive mental gymnastics required to hold contradictory truths in a single, unwavering gaze. It was a good laugh, wasn't it? A wild ride through the nonsensical.
(Push) But as I reread it, a different kind of vertigo set in. A chill, not of amusement, but of a creeping recognition. Because while I highlighted the creativity, I missed something crucial. Something that my own brain, still reeling from the sheer volume of "unsanity," only just managed to piece together.
(Pull) You see, there was a time, not so long ago, when messing with people's heads about the nature of reality wasn't about rigid belief. It was a prank. A glorious, mind-expanding, counterculture prank. I'm talking about Robert Anton Wilson, and his partner in cosmic mischief, Robert Shea, and their Illuminatus! Trilogy.
Wilson, that brilliant, impish trickster, understood something profound about the human mind and its desperate need for meaning. He knew that if you just kept throwing wildly contradictory "facts" at people – true, false, ridiculous, profound – you'd eventually scramble their "reality-reception apparatus" so thoroughly that they could never again mistake their current worldview for The Truth™. His entire project was an intellectual inoculation against certainty itself.
(Push) The goal was what he called "model agnosticism" – a beautiful, flexible state of mind where you hold all your beliefs lightly. Where you can say, "This is a map, not the territory." Where curiosity trumps conviction, and skepticism is applied equally to your own deeply held notions as it is to everyone else's. It was about liberation from belief systems, about understanding that all reality is filtered through our own subjective "reality tunnels."
(Pull) But look at what we have now. Instead of liberation, we have imprisonment in new belief systems. Instead of playful skepticism, we have rigid alternative orthodoxies that just happen to live on YouTube. The very tools Wilson provided for intellectual freedom – the questioning of authority, the pursuit of alternative explanations – have been weaponized against the very spirit of intellectual humility he championed.
"Do your own research," they proclaim. And what does it mean? Not Wilson's playful skepticism toward all belief systems, a rigorous investigation of evidence, and an open mind to any outcome. No. It means finding increasingly elaborate ways to confirm what you already want to believe. It means descending into algorithmic rabbit holes where the engagement machine keeps feeding you dopamine hits for every "A-HA!" moment, whether it comes from genuine curiosity or complete cognitive breakdown.
(Push) Wilson's "Chapel Perilous" – that unsettling place where you can't tell if you're having a mystical experience or a psychotic break – has become the default state of online discourse. People aren't just holding contradictory beliefs; they're collecting them like Pokémon cards: Flat Earth and Hollow Earth. Secret, all-powerful societies that are also completely incompetent. Time-traveling aliens who are also demons who are also future humans.
(Pull) This isn't model agnosticism. This is digitally-induced schizophrenia, a post-logical space where consistency doesn't matter because consistency itself is suspect. As you so perfectly put it, it's that "unsanity" – going so far around the bend that you've transcended both rational and irrational into a realm where contradictions are irrelevant because consistency is just another government conspiracy.
The tragedy, then, isn't that people believe "crazy" things. As humans, we are all just trying to make sense of an infinitely complex reality. We all crave meaning, control, and a narrative that explains the chaos. Wilson understood this primal need.
(Push) The real tragedy is that we've lost Wilson's crucial insight. We've lost the ability to sit with uncertainty together. To be curious without being certain. To understand that all maps are flawed, including our own. The very human impulse to make sense of a world that doesn't make sense has been channeled into algorithmic echo chambers, amplified by AI, where "doing your own research" becomes a relentless quest for confirmation, not genuine understanding.
(Pull) Wilson's warning about belief being the death of intelligence has become prophecy. We are living in his nightmare scenario where people mistake their reality maps for reality itself, but now it's happening at internet speed, with AI-powered amplification.
