The American Corruption Machine: A Beginner's Guide to Getting Fleeced

Stop Worrying and Love Being Robbed by Rich People

Jun 21, 2025

Remember when your biggest worry was whether politicians were lying about their campaign promises?

Those were adorable times. Turns out, while we were arguing about whether they'd actually fix potholes, they were busy selling the entire highway system to their golf buddies.

Welcome to America 2025, where corruption isn't a bug—it's the operating system.

Chapter 1: The Great Watchdog Massacre of 2025

Let's start with a fun fact: America just fired 17 Inspectors General in one day. You know, those pesky people whose literal job is to catch corruption and waste.

Think of it like this: imagine you're running a casino, and your biggest problem is all these annoying security guards who keep catching dealers cheating. Solution? Fire all the security guards! What could go wrong?

Here's the kicker—federal law says you need to give Congress 30 days notice and explain why you're firing these watchdogs. Our new administration's response? "Nah, we're good."

It's like speed-running corruption. Any% category, no glitches needed.

The Victims: Defense, State, Housing, Veterans Affairs, Energy, Transportation, Agriculture, Interior, EPA, Health and Human Services, and foreign aid. You know, just the tiny agencies that handle our military, health, environment, and food supply. No biggie.

Chapter 2: The "Totally Not Bribery" Bribery System

Remember when we pretended politicians couldn't be bought? Well, good news—we don't have to pretend anymore!

The new administration helpfully eliminated all those pesky "ethics pledges" that prevented appointees from taking gifts from lobbyists. Because nothing says "drain the swamp" like making it legal to feed the alligators.

But wait, there's more! Want dinner with the President? That'll be $5 million, please. Candlelight dinner with a smaller group? Bargain price of $1 million.

It's like Uber, but for democracy. Surge pricing during constitutional crises.

Chapter 3: The Musk Empire Strikes Back

Elon Musk presents the most beautiful conflict of interest in modern American history. Through something called DOGE (yes, really), he now controls oversight of the very agencies investigating his companies.

The FDA Situation:

FDA was investigating Musk's brain-chip company Neuralink
FDA rejected Neuralink's human testing applications
Musk fires 20 FDA officials investigating his company
Announces 50% FDA cuts

It's like if Tony Soprano became police commissioner and his first act was disbanding the organized crime unit. The audacity is almost artistic.

The FAA Fiasco: Musk tried to break Verizon's $2.4 billion contract with the FAA by blaming them for system failures. Plot twist: the failures were actually from an old system. His solution? Give the contract to his Starlink company instead.

Imagine if I complained about my neighbor's Wi-Fi being slow, then "discovered" the problem was actually my other neighbor's router, and suggested everyone should use my new internet company instead. Except with billions of taxpayer dollars.

Chapter 4: The Cryptocurrency Casino

Remember when people said crypto was the future of money? Turns out they were right—it's the future of buying politicians.

The crypto industry spent 50% of ALL corporate election money in 2024. Not 50% of tech spending. Not 50% of financial spending. Fifty percent of all corporate election spending.

And what did they get for their investment?

The government just added five cryptocurrencies to America's "strategic reserve." Which cryptocurrencies, you ask? Coincidentally, the exact same ones owned by the new "crypto czar's" investment firm.

Someone bought $200 million worth of these cryptocurrencies hours before the announcement. I'm sure it was just a lucky guess about market trends.

Chapter 5: The Consumer Protection Assassination

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau was doing something radical—protecting consumers. They'd recovered $3.3 billion for regular people since 2011. Naturally, this had to stop.

All 42 corporate investigations were dropped. The companies under investigation had donated $34 million to the campaign.

The Math:

$34 million in donations
$3.3 billion in consumer protection eliminated
Return on investment: roughly 10,000%

That's better than crypto, and crypto is supposedly magic internet money.

Chapter 6: The Tax Collector's Lament

You know what's expensive? Paying taxes. You know what's cheap? Firing the people who collect them.

The IRS just cut 7,000 auditors right before tax season. The same IRS that estimates $696 billion in unpaid taxes annually. The top 1% alone dodge $163 billion per year.

But here's the beautiful part—IRS enforcement is incredibly profitable for the government. Every dollar spent on auditing returns multiple dollars in collected revenue. So cutting auditors is like firing your best salespeople because they're too good at making money.

It's fiscal policy designed by someone who thinks bankruptcy is a business strategy. Oh wait...

Chapter 7: The Revolving Door Becomes a Tornado

The "revolving door" between government and industry used to be a polite euphemism. Now it's more like a cyclone made of money and corruption.

Some highlights:

FBI Director who's also on the board of Truth Social
Education Secretary who's also on the board of Truth Social
Attorney General who sells dietary supplements
Medicare head who promotes medical supplements

It's like if McDonald's corporate board was also the FDA, the Agriculture Department, and the Surgeon General. "This week's health recommendation: try our new McRib!

It's what plants crave!

Chapter 8: The Foreign Corruption Vacation

Remember the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act? It made it illegal for American companies to bribe foreign officials. Past tense intended—enforcement just got "paused."

The reasoning? These anti-bribery laws create "excessive barriers to American commerce abroad."

You know what else creates barriers to commerce? Laws against theft, fraud, and murder. Maybe we should pause those too? For the economy!

Chapter 9: The Supreme Court's Gift Registry

Speaking of gifts, Supreme Court Justices have been accepting hundreds of luxury trips from billionaires. Private jets, yachts, fancy resorts—all from people with cases before the Court.

Their response to criticism? They made it harder to prosecute bribery.

It's like if the refs in the Super Bowl were getting vacation packages from one of the teams, and when people complained, they changed the rules to make pass interference legal.

Chapter 10: The International Perspective (AKA "How Normal Countries Do Things")

Here's the crazy part—most developed countries have actual anti-corruption systems:

Canada: Has multiple oversight bodies, bans foreign corporate donations, requires public disclosure of party funding.

European Union: Prohibits bribery, funds parties with public grants instead of corporate money, maintains ethics codes for legislators.

United States: Has "thoughts and prayers" and a Supreme Court that thinks money is speech.

We're like the only developed country that treats corruption like a competitive sport.

The Punchline

The most absurd part? This is all legal.

Citizens United (2010) opened the floodgates by deciding that unlimited corporate spending couldn't possibly create corruption. The Supreme Court literally ruled that money doesn't corrupt politics.

It's like ruling that water doesn't make things wet.

The current system:

Rich people and corporations donate massive amounts
Politicians change laws to benefit those donors
Donors get richer and donate more
Repeat until democracy becomes an auction

We've created a perpetual motion machine powered by corruption and regulated by the people being corrupted. It's beautiful in its simplicity.

What This Means for You

You're paying for all of this. Every tax loophole costs you money. Every dropped investigation costs you money. Every weakened consumer protection costs you money.

The $696 billion tax gap? That's roughly $2,100 per American per year that someone else isn't paying.

The $3.3 billion in dropped consumer protections? That comes out of your pocket through higher fees and predatory practices.

You're not just being governed—you're being farmed.

The Silver Lining

There isn't one. This is just the reality now.

But hey, at least we know the price list:

Presidential dinner: $5 million
Dropping federal investigations: $34 million
Making international bribery legal: Priceless

For everything else, there's democracy.

Want to know more about how you're getting fleeced? Subscribe for weekly updates on the creative new ways your government is being sold to the highest bidder. It's like financial news, but for your rights.

Next week: "How to Turn Environmental Protection into a Profit Center" and "The Pentagon's New Business Model: Why Fight Wars When You Can Just Sell Them?"

Systemic Corruption and Influence Networks

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